All I wanted
All I wanted was to be a friend. To be there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on, or someone to listen, or a hand to pull her up out of the shadows.
That’s all I wanted.
I promised I would be there, even if ‘there’ was hundreds of miles distant. I promised I wouldn’t desert her, as others had done. I promised I’d be a true friend, for as long as the universe would allow.
I was, and I didn’t, and I did, but not out of any sense of duty. Sure, it was all borne of kindness and caring, but I promised because I wanted to, and because the world can’t afford to lose beautiful souls to the shadows. There just aren’t enough of them. But mostly because I wanted to.
Well, the universe didn’t allow it. I didn’t allow it. In the end, I broke my promises.
And now my friend is gone. A dear friend with a beautiful soul – gone from me. She did what she thought best and is carrying on with her life, without me. All I can do is watch as she walks away. True friends are rare and precious, and to drive one away is terrible thing, but I did just that. Maybe we’ll cross paths again, but I don’t expect the universe is going to allow that either.
I feel terrible.
Sadness is prevailing here.
Foolish though it may be, I still hold out some small shred of hope that I can make this relationship, and others, right and whole again. To believe otherwise – to lose hope – would be devastating.
So, the wanderer carries on.
Sid, you have lost a friend. I’m deeply sorry for you. It must be very painful. If you are foolish to believe that you and your friend are okay because your intentions were good, I’m a fool too.
March 2, 2013 at 11:06 am
Paula, I’m sorry – I’ve edited this post because it clearly sounded like my friend died, which I am HAPPY to say did not happen. All the same, thank you for your kind words.
March 3, 2013 at 10:44 pm
I am so sorry SId. You certainly have had a difficult time lately. I had one of those a couple of years ago. Losing people and finding myself . One night JIm flew home from Michigan, after another funeral, (I just couldn’t do another funeral two weeks later. I am a strong person but and I sent him alone and I forgave myself for not being there and I forgave the people I knew who would be mad at me. I told myself that what was most important, for my little corner, was to be there and healthy for my family. I decided that if we all do this then there will be far less heartache later for people. I am still there for others. I am still giving outside of my home but I put mine and my home as important as anything else because if I raise three wonderful men then one day they to will be happy and able to be there for others. Sometimes we can hel people and sometimes we have our hearts broken but we go on and take care of those we were gifted with to bring up. I am so, so sorry. Be well and sending love and prayers to all of you.
March 2, 2013 at 11:44 am
Abbie, thanks as always for the kind words. I have to sheepishly admit that I had to edit this post to make it clear that no one died. Oops. I mean, part of me died, but that will hopefully be less, well, permanent.
Still, I think you did the right thing, and your advice is solid. And I’ll take the love and prayers, still, too… Can always use those.
March 3, 2013 at 10:48 pm
Sad news Sid, sorry to hear of your loss.
March 2, 2013 at 11:51 am
Phil, know that I unintentionally misled you with how this post was initially written. Nobody died (thank God), and so I edited this to make that more clear. Sorry about leading you down that path – hope you understand. And thanks for being there with supporting words.
March 3, 2013 at 10:50 pm
Oh, Sid. I don’t know what to say. You will carry on. But life can be so damn sad. Our relationships can so often not last. Many blessings…for both of you…
March 2, 2013 at 2:32 pm
Too damn sad, Kathy – this is proving hard to take, and I miss my friend. But thank you for the support. I know she would appreciate it too.
March 3, 2013 at 10:54 pm
Sid, I am at a loss for words which is indeed odd for me. What can I say but I’m sorry to hear this news and remember what I said in my private email – if you want to talk you have my email address. I am not saying this because I am supposed to; I mean every word.
March 2, 2013 at 4:33 pm
That makes me laugh a little, Louis. Thanks for that, and for the offer. I’m sad, but am hoping that at some point my hope proves not foolish but rather rewarded.
March 3, 2013 at 10:59 pm
Sid, you have such an amazingly kind heart; it’s no wonder you hurt so much. I’m so sorry for your loss; she must have been a special soul to have touched your heart. I’m so thankful our world has people who care deeply, like you Sid; you make it a much better place just because you’re in it. Prayers for you, and sending hugs your way ((( ))),
March 3, 2013 at 6:00 am
Groovy (I guess it’s Jules!), I hope you read the updated version of this post, as the initial one sounded too much like my friend died, which thank God is not the case. I’m sorry about that!
Still, I do hurt that much. I feel like caring deeply has been anything but rewarded this time, and that’s something I’ll need to shake. Thank you for the kind thoughts.
A special soul, indeed.
March 3, 2013 at 11:05 pm
Well, I don’t know what to say that hasn’t been expressed by others already … except that this post really touched me. It touched me because it sounds like something I could have written about a friend during the last year. I did keep my promises. But he, too, did what he thought best and moved on. A day does not pass that I don’t wish him contentment.
March 3, 2013 at 11:33 pm
Oh, no – I’m sorry, Annie. It’s hard. Hard and, in my case, so so stupid. Sorry to have brought up bad memories, too. On good days, I know I can reclaim the friendship. On bad days, I’m certain it’ll never happen. Sigh. All the best to you – I hope you’re healing.
March 4, 2013 at 9:41 pm
Wounds – even those we inflict on ourselves – eventually heal. Those that leave scars on our hearts are often among our most cherished memories. Though they make us ache, our lives are the richer for having experienced them. They make us wiser. Forgive and take care of yourself .
March 4, 2013 at 11:07 pm
Hope your okay Sid.
March 4, 2013 at 3:13 am
Thanks, Dianda. Actually, today I’m good. Today I’m resolved that in time I’ll get my friend back. Tomorrow – who knows?
March 4, 2013 at 9:43 pm
If not tomorrow, then maybe another time.
Or a different friend? Who knows!
March 5, 2013 at 2:54 am
I recently parted ways with a friend, but I tend to think it was simply time to let go. After a time, I realized that the friendship had changed and neither of us was flourishing in it anymore. Life brings change and new challenges for each of us. Friendships come and go. I try to be thankful for what good came of the relationship and I let go with good thoughts and well wishes.
Do what makes you feel good, Sid. If you feel you need to pursue getting your friend back, then by all means do so. Analyze it just a bit, and don’t be so hard on yourself.
March 5, 2013 at 9:22 pm
You’re such a wise lady, Lori. This is one friend that simply cannot go, so I am determined to do what I need to keep her around. Thanks as always for the kind words!
March 11, 2013 at 7:34 pm
This sucks
– Jenia
March 7, 2013 at 8:07 am
But how are you, Jenia? All coming along as expected? And how’s Shon?
March 11, 2013 at 12:19 pm
We are fine, thanks! Shon is looking forward to spring break. I’m growing in width
March 12, 2013 at 8:41 am